Wild Desires

I was sitting across from a friend, talking about blogging, and I had this overwhelming sense of gratitude and relief. I was so so grateful to have met her through the millions of people on the Internet, we connected through blogging. I was also relieved. I saw the intensity in her face when she talked about her job as blogging. I saw her love for it beam from her smile and cheeks. I was relieved because I knew I will never love it as much as she does and I was okay to finally let it go. I remember this quiet moment as such a loud memory because it started a wildfire in me I wasn't expecting. 

At the time I worked in Nashville as a creative director for a start-up operations. I loved it because I was a woman, an ethnic woman with tattoos, working in tech, and Southern men were listening and wanting my ideas for their million dollar business'. As soon as I was pregnant (not planned. It always happens this way, doesn't it?) I was a high risk pregnancy, I had to slow down on my job. I was depressed because I finally found something I loved but I was ecstatic because I was waiting to start a family for years. Just like some women could work and have family, and some could chew gum and walk at the same time, I wasn't one of those women. It took me a while to see this through failures, or what some could call opportunities (I'm still working on that). I thought that was my wildest desire. I thought I found my thing

Then I had Miko. I kept fighting this desire to want to stay home. I fought it all my marriage, and letting that fight go with myself was one of the most peaceful things I could do in my life. This is what I want and I don't want to be ashamed of it. Stability sounds like such a boring wild desire. But coming from a life built on defense mechanisms and abusive faulty lines, I want all the stability, and the foundation, the boring kind. I can't compare having a job to being a mom, but some days it feels like it. Being a mom is the wildest thing I've done. 

I'll leave you with a quote from Jamie Varon. Maybe someone reading this will love it as much as I did. 

"Perhaps think about next time you're spiraling in the pit of self-doubt. Maybe the message isn't "you're an imposter and should stop." Maybe the message is "you're about to get better and these are growing pains."

It's clearer and clearer to me that to care for something and to want MORE from yourself is a vulnerable position. Most people allow themselves only the smallest desires. They hide their wild desires even from themselves. Because, it is vulnerable to want a life you're not sure you deserve or can attain. Even if all you want is something simple and pared down, it can be scary to WANT. To desire. To dream. The fear of disappointing or failure is very strong. 

Remember that when you are trying to reach into a new level of your life that feels foreign and bigger than you. You're stretching. It's insecurity by nature. But let us stretch. Let us try. Let us allow wild desires."

 

Dianamiko, familyComment