The Struggle is Real...With The Occasional Donut

As some of you know, I lost almost 70 lbs before I was pregnant and kept it off for about a year. I was embarrassed at first when I couldn't lose my baby weight, especially without a baby. It was one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done- watching my discipline grow and my body change. Grief changed my body more than pregnancy did and that was hard. It IS hard. I’m already fighting the demons of sadness, anger, a broken heart, why in the world would I fight with my body, too? 

I gave up losing weight for vanity long ago and embraced my new body. I love my body now more than I did when I was struggling to lose weight. Maybe if I had Max I’d have a different opinion, but each curve tells the story of how I carried him. A part of me feels crazy because if the stretch marks and the pregnant pouch can hold on to the small memory I have of him, I am really okay with that. I still eat healthy, I will still be annoying about loving my green smoothies but my now goal is to take care of my heart first. I eat what I want whether it was my favorite kale southwestern salad or a donut, I work out for energy and slowly I can see my body changing with no goal in mind. A part of me is crushed that baby pouch that once carried Max is going away. My body tells a story, and while it’s a sad one, it’s my story and I’m proud to tell it. 

Take care of your heart before taking care of everything else. My original goal was to carry a healthy baby and I did, but due to a completely freak accident he's not here. My goal now is to survive and if that means eating an extra slice of pizza, I am okay with that. And so is my beautiful body.