2013 was crazy. Amazing and heartbreakingly crazy. I can list all the things I've learned but one thing I will never ever question is the biggest lesson I've faced- don't rely my happiness on things that can be taken away. I know it sounds counterproductive- won't relying on family, wealth, health bring me happiness? Yes, yes, of course. I get a lot of comments like "I can't even imagine", or "I don't know what I would do", and sometimes I want to nod my head in agreement and say "me, too", because I still can't imagine it, and I still don't know what to do. The one thing I truly prayed for (begged for), a healthy baby boy, was taken away. In the depth of all this pain, I had to climb my way out of it and find the happiness that I thought went with him.
I remember going home after the hospital. I remember grabbing my nice bag and leaving in our nice car and looking back at his nice car seat, but all I saw was how empty it was. I remember coming home to our nice home, our nice things and none of them were of value to me. I love my nice life, but this isn't the depth of what we are, what defines us, or what we take with us. Nice gets boring, and I'm just sad I had to lose something to find the perspective I needed.