Rainbow Baby

One of the reasons we moved to Nashville was for work but also because I needed a change. I was feeling antsy, bored, and just coming out of this haze of sadness. I also wasn't getting pregnant, and when I did, the pregnancy didn't stay for long. We had also been going through an adoption process with the county and because of a clerical error, we were turned down for adoption services. We spent months going through classes and the process only to be told it wasn't going to work and even though it was their mistake, we had to start all over again. It just felt like another thing to add to the list of things to deal with. 

So, we moved to Nashville temporarily, and it was a nice change. A change from constant dieting to try to get pregnant, a change from being creatively burnt out, a change from just life in general, an opportunity I'll never get and I wanted to make the most of it. I loved it. I met so many great people at my new work environment, I found my strengths and weakness' in what I'm good at, and most importantly, I was keeping my mind busy (which is one of the main reasons I haven't updated, all my energy goes to work and I haven't even unpacked from Nashville after being back after a month, oops!) 

A few weeks into it, I started feeling sick, and I had to work from my Nashville apartment a few days. I had a positive pregnancy test and as excited as I am to see it, I've also seen it fade. Besides 3 years of eating on strict lifestyle changes to get this positive pregnancy test was seeing someone for fertility acupuncture. I also had my dental metal fillings removed. It sounds random, but I had them taken out when I noticed a series of issues over the past months that lead to mercury poisoning symptoms, including infertility. Within 2 weeks of this, I got pregnant. I'm not saying that contributed but I noticed a lot of my rashes, and other issues went away within the week I got my fillings taken out. 

It's been an emotional 21 weeks. Every small ache and discomfort, I can't help but worry. But also, every time I feel great, I can't help but think I'm not pregnant. It's not fair to have the excitement taken away from this little girl but when the worst has happened, I can't help but wonder if it'll happen again. I'm so so grateful for the support I've received from strangers and friends. I know it was tough to love me, it's easier to turn away when I'm not fun, exciting or feeding needs to be constantly entertained. Thank you to the friends that stuck by me and loved me when I was most unloveable. They saw past my pain, and even during those awkward silent moments, they were there. It's like a really bad storm, I survived and now there's a rainbow waiting at the end.