Hello and Goodbye

In this time of grief, other people say it better. I want to say thank you to everyone who has written, sent a tweet, a simple instagram comment, or just a text. Ashlee, Kaelah, Rhianne, The Influence Network and maybe others I've missed, I'm grateful for your words.

I keep this blog neutral and away from religious issues- not enough to be too personal, but enough to share at a surface. The reality is this is my lifestyle blog and my lifestyle right now is mourning the loss of my son. I'm waiting to get back to normal, whatever that will be. 

I'm devastated right now and I'm not ready to share. In the meantime, Scott wrote a letter for both of us and it says everything I want to say. 

Hello and goodbye is a phrase I hope no parent has to say. Mordecai Max La Counte was born October 2. He weighed 7 pounds, and 23". He was very tall, beautiful and precious. We found out Monday that he would not be born alive, and we have been preparing for this. 

For nine months, Diana and I have lived with the joy of knowing someday soon we'd get to share the world with Mordecai; we had lists of books we wanted to read him, museums we wanted take him to, and faith that we wanted to teach him...and that was taken from us by something we could not control. 

It was painful watching Diana go through the delivery process while listening to babies next door cry for their moms; Mordecai never got to cry for his. Somewhere out there are parents who are horrible people--and they get to bring home their baby into an environment that will bring it pain; we only had a loving home to give him...and we go home with nothing. It's a cruel world, but it's not a cruel God. When bad things come...you can deny God, curse God, or praise God. We praise God.

We've never seen anything so miraculous as what the body does to give birth. We praise God for showing us this precious process of life. And then in an instant it's gone...

So now we weep--never before knowing that we could have so many tears--but we know God's power is strongest in our weakness. When life is good, God is good--we thank him on Sundays, and throw in occasional nice deeds for good measure. But sometimes life...stumbles. If you want to feel God's presents, then just wait for it all to come crashing down. We are confused...lost...hurt...angry...it's as if time has stopped...but it is well with our soul.

They say Mordecai was a stillborn; we say he was Still Born. He had life, and he is an everlasting symbol of God's amazing love. Why ever this happened, we know that God's grace is sufficient. Mordecai Max means great warrior, and he will always be our little great warrior; his battle with life took him too soon, and now he is God's warrior. We don't know why God needed him more than us; I don't know why we had to live nine months believing we'd have him so much longer...but we rejoice knowing in our weakness, God holds us closer. We are blessed in his grace and showered in his love.

Mordecai Max, your Mom and Dad will love you forever.