2 years ago was the first time I participated in lent, I gave up TV and I loved it. This year I wanted to challenge myself but giving up TV seems too easy. I spend all my time with Miko and the TV is rarely on these days. Lent is about service, fasting, and prayer so what could I do as a woman, wife, and mom that would provide all these to my family and God?
I wanted to get dressed. Really. That's it. As in putting on a pant leg one at a time like anyone else. It seems too easy, but it's a challenge right now. I give all my time to my family right now, and I'm very grateful for the opportunity to serve them while working a paid job for a company at home. However, I noticed a pattern- when I was in my pj's all day, at the end of the night I was bad company. I enjoyed my baby but I resented parts of motherhood, my marriage, even my grief and played victim. I felt beaten, and I was inspired by Anna's post to do something more than breastfeed and give my family the bare minimum of myself. The line between relaxing, depression, and laziness was so blurred. I was overwhelmed and I started from the beginning-- to get up and get dressed. I think of this verse when God is talking to Elijah-
The angel of the LORD came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you." - 1 Kings 19:7
Elijah was spiritually depressed, fearful, anxious and life was too much for him. He made bad decisions, he wasn't taking care of himself, and his traumatic events stayed with him. I felt like Elijah at the moment I read this. 1 Kings 19:1-18 is the story of a spiritual falling and getting back up. I understand God will accept all of us, no matter where we are, but I've been better and I wanted to get there. I understand I'm in a position I cried many nights over to be in but that doesn't mean everything is suddenly a-ok.
So far, it has been a challenge. I don't want to do laundry on my spare time, I don't want to get out of bed, wallowing and self-pity is comfortable. I hate to admit it, but I feel better. I mean, I can't say I look better in a spit up dirty tee and undone hair, but a clean pair of jeans goes far these days. I worked in salon for 10+ years and I was in the business of vanity. I remember how those new tired moms would walk in the salon and dragged themselves to the salon chair and I especially remember how they would feel when they strutted out with the extra hair flip. This dedication to get out of pj's represents more than pj's- it means I'm getting out of bed, getting uncomfortable, and if I've learned anything from my life, is being uncomfortable means some major growth is coming. I'll update on this after the 40 days!