I stopped blogging because every time I opened my computer, I looked at my keyboard, and my Squarespace dashboard and I got this knot in my throat, this anguish in my stomach. Those physical pains have a name - fear. I feel like this blog lost itself very much like I lost myself when Max died. Yes, I still blogged about what I loved and pretty things but there was no substance to it. Not that blogging about pretty things doesn’t have substance, but I purposely removed myself from the posts completely. Just like the rest of my life, I detached. It’s been 3 years and I’m still picking up parts of me I forgot about along the way, and one of them is this space to write.
One night, sitting on the couch, while browsing my blog, Scott said, “If I were to read your blog, I’d have no idea who you were. You like the color pink and Hello Kitty, but who is Diana? Who are you?” I hated this question because he was right. The problem was I wanted to give up blogging and I was ready, but something tells me not to give it up. I’ve said it a million times but it’s one of those things that would be on my mind whether I wanted it to or not. Something tugged at me for months. It didn’t matter how many things I would distract myself with, my blog was a platform to share about recovery and I was ignoring it. My insecurities were louder than my message, “Who are you to share your life?” Why are YOU so special?”
I also had this tug at my heart to keep writing about Max and while my heart soared at the thought of it, my head would scream, “no one wants to read about dead babies !!” Ok, yes, well, I never wanted to write about them but here we are. As I'm writing this, the problem isn't just fear, it's connecting the two things- something bad that happened to a joyful space. I think you can have the color pink and sorrow. I think you can find joy in pain. I think you can move forward without moving on. I think there is hope in tragedy. I want to connect, see the vision come true for this space and let the fear go. So here I am publicly declaring this fear and owning it. My name is Diana, my favorite color is pink and yes, I am pretty damn special.