Christmas is 4 days away and it doesn't matter how much pink I try to add to my home, or how many Christmas decorations or holiday I can drown myself in, the reality is, I'll have a very blue Christmas. The grief and sadness is something I've tried so hard to avoid. I bite my tongue if I feel tears coming up, I distract myself with social media so I won't be alone with my thoughts. I pray every night I can see him in my dreams. I really miss the little man.
People tell me grief is grief and they understand what I'm going through because their aunt/grandparents/parents died. I do believe grief is grief and there is a certain amount of pain shared. I think losing a child is a different type of grief. It's not a natural grief. It's natural to bury an aging grandparent, your ill parents, or even a sick pet. It's not natural for a parent to bury their own child. It does take a special type of grief to understand this. My own pain doesn't make it any more special than those grieving over any loved one, but unless you've experienced this, it's hard to explain. This is why blogging is so hard lately. I don't want to write so I can get pity (I love you guys, but that's not needed or wanted. I'd rather have your love than pity) I write to remember him. I write to let people know he changed our lives. I write so I can move on. He'll never be replaced but maybe these throes will be one day be a short memory but the joy he left will overcome the pain.
I know this won't be the best Christmas for us, but it won't be the worst Christmas for us. Same for you-if you're missing someone, our pain can't be outshined by the bright Christmas lights, or be ignored by the endless amounts of marshmallows in the hot cocoa, but I think we can make the best of it. Merry Christmas. xx