When Ergo approached me to try out their new Omni 360 carrier, I was curious. I have three different Ergo models (one I got years ago for Max and two are a gift from Ergo) and this is my absolute favorite model. According to Ergo, the carrier is designed after listening to the most needed and least wanted features from their customers. I think they did a great job listening. It's the most comfortable, most versatile and easiest Ergo model I've tried. We took Miko on a hike and I loved it. Scott used it at the store after and he loved it, too. Most importantly, Miko loved it! There's even an additional pocket, the waist band is more comfortable, and the safety latch has an upgrade with an additional lock, it's a thinner body so baby won't be as warm, and it's easier to put on once it's custom to your body.
After participating in Lent this year, my challenge became so normal, I forgot Lent was over. I learned so much of myself as a mother, a wife, and most importantly who I really am as a person even when those titles aren’t involved. I didn't take daily outfit pics, but I wish I took the extra minutes to do so! These were my favorites, mostly because Miko is more adorable in them than my actual outfit.
My goal was to get dressed every day for the 40 days. It wasn't just about putting on a dress, it represents fighting postpartum and it helped me feel better generally. I think a hot shower will anyone feel better. I got a couple readers who were critical of the project- that I was ungrateful for finally being a mom, and I was wasn’t appreciative of what I did have. Listen, I am appreciative and I am grateful and for others to assume otherwise was funny, offensive, mostly hurtful. I think about what I’ve lost every day in order to get what I have now, and if I want to do it in a pretty dress and good hair, that is okay with me.
Within the first week, I discovered where my priorities where- If I had 1 hour to myself, I had to figure out what was most important- getting dressed, working out, meal planning, cleaning, or emails, social media, etc. I stuck to my plan but it was hard. I did my hair when I so badly wanted to take a moment and read. I shaved my legs every day when all I wanted to do was spend those extra 15 minutes in bed instead of a shower.
It sounds vain- choosing to get dressed over small comforts like extra sleep and reading. I could either enjoy these things for a few minutes in the day but have the rest of the day with tangles and spit up in my hair, not do my laundry with questionable stains, or regret my extra few minutes alone I didn’t spend on a hydrating mask every time I looked in the mirror.
By the end of it, it became a habit. Taking care of myself didn’t just mean a bath, manicure, those little luxuries I would give myself. I noticed I was in a better mood because I felt better about myself. It wasn’t so much how I looked, but it was just a grooming process, the normalcy of it.
Beauty is a ritual, getting ready, putting on my makeup, that is a daily ritual before Miko. What I wanted from this was normalcy. I wanted to feel like me again. Even if I had spit up all over me, or Miko pulling my freshly curled hair out, at least that was part of me, if that makes sense. Ultimately, I didn’t want to look for faith in the tube of lipstick or curling iron. I wanted to find God in the new normal.
Now? I didn’t expect the same dramatic before and after, but I did find a new normal. Discovering motherhood is in the small things- like how Miko will use my hair as a blanket to cover herself when she falls asleep on me, or use it as a game for “peekaboo”. How my wardrobe revolves around Miko- will it be easy to feed her in it? Can I wear a carrier comfortable? My life revolves around her and it’s the new normal I’ve always wanted. She’s the beauty I was looking for all along.
The other day I went a full day of not thinking about Max. I feel like a bad mom even thinking that, but I guess I went a full day without being sad, but he was in my thoughts all day. Does that make sense? It took me a while to make sense to me. 3 years. 44 months. 192 weeks, to be exact. As I went to bed and replayed the busy day in my head, I was filled with guilt for not feeling sad. I caught myself searching for sadness. I wanted to be sad.
"I have to be sad or it’s not honoring him."
"I have to be sad or else I’m going to forget his face."
I know grief more than I know happiness and I'm kicking myself for allowing that grief take over my life, even with therapy, even with books, great advice, bad advice, those hundred of think-pieces on grief, the grief groups, all of it. I was consumed and Max was missing and grief was in his place. I feel like I'm letting go of the grief. Grieving grief. Ha.
The irony of all of this is I wanted so long to be happy, when I finally am, I'm sad about it. Ugh.
I look back at everything I went through with MM, everything. What if I didn't go to therapy? What would my grief look like without social media? Would I have been able to make it without the support of strangers? I had moments of joy but I fought them hard. I feel like I can finally enjoy it. Scott deserves that. Miko deserves that. And dare I say I deserve that??
I read back on my captions on Instagram or even this blog and I cringe. CRINGE. I regret being so open and vulnerable sometimes, but then I read the hundreds of emails, comments and letters and I don't feel like it was such a big mistake. Sometimes I wish I would have grieved privately and just let myself live but I remember there are moments where I felt like if he couldn't live, he could at live in these internet spaces of mine. I think I needed that reassurance. I give myself grace because I was grieving and going through a traumatic experience. I need to remember that.
The wonderful part of all this? You let me be me. Occasionally I would get the email saying "Hey, you shouldn't grieve this way!" Or my favorite, "hey! I can't have kids so just be grateful you at least had ONE! Even dead!" Those really got to a grieving mom but at the end, those people were grieving in their own way, even if it meant hurting others. I wonder how they're doing all the time, too.
Motherhood is finding your identity in a new lifestyle and I don't know who I am without grief. Just because I let go of this sadness, it doesn’t mean it represents who Mordecai Maximus was. It doesn't belittle the grief I did go through. It just means I’m finding different ways to remember him.
And here's a photo of Miko wearing a piece from Max's wardrobe. Happiness.
When I was editing these photos, there's this gross feeling that hits you when you watch how big your baby is getting. It's not nostalgia. It's time. Time is a SOB and while I have loved watching Miko grow, I couldn't deny the punch in the gut from the overwhelming feeling. It's exciting to watch but also a little sad. Ah, motherhood!
Here's an update with the ErgoBaby- I still use it often and the Adapt model is ideal when you want your baby to grow with you. When she was a tiny baby and I remember how scared I was to wear her. I have two models- the Original and the Adapt and while I love both, I had to use the insert with the Original and do more adjusting as she grew. With the Adapt, I've barely adjusted my straps and there's a bucket seat that easily adjusts for weight and height.
New things I've loved about it-
+ Adjustments are easy. My weight has changed, my milk is in, and with a couple pulls on the straps, it felt like I had a new custom carrier. If you're plus sized and think you can't wear a carrier, this is your carrier.
+ Even distribution on weight- I've tried other carriers while recovering from my c-section and it always felt like my back was about to go out. It actually did recently when I wasn't carrying an Ergo! Big mistake. I can feel a difference- it's even throughout my back and hips without feeling like my poor back is about to snap.
+ Mobility- I wrote about how excited I was to wear her everywhere and I do! We've been to IKEA, the mall, church, the grocery store, and most importantly, it helps getting out of the house so much quicker than a stroller.
+ On a non-techincal note, I love it because wearing her puts her to sleep right away. I mean, look how TIRED she is in these photos.
What I don't like-
+ I love Ergobaby because they make neutral products that grows with your family- mom can wear it, dad will wear it and you can save it for your next baby! But I would love if they made a pink one in the Adapt!
You can see Miko and Ergobaby here when she was tiny (I almost said when she was a baby, ha!). You can buy the Adapt here. Thanks to Ergobaby for the introduction to babywearing, they've supported this post series and it's a product and company I 100% believe in and I hope you love them as much as I do. You can see more of Miko and her babywearing adventures here! I'll be sure to update in a few months with it.
It's Scott's birthday week and I thought it would be the perfect time to share some of Miko's favorite books!
We started reading to Miko as soon as we brought her home from the hospital. Aside from the fact that children who are regularly read to from birth are more like to know more words by the age of 2 and learn to read when they’re supposed to, storytime with Miko provides a special kind of bonding.
It’s a little awkward at first--you feel like you’re reading to a blank stare. By the time she was about a month old, she was already starting to respond to mannerism and silly voices, and by about two months she was starting to study the texture and symmetry of the pictures.
Now, at six months, books can actually calm her down; she’ll be fussy and as soon as she sees a book she starts looking at the pages and waiting for me to read it to her. She even is starting to help out with turning the pages.
Every baby will have different books that excite them. Below are the ones we’ve found Miko most enjoys.
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? - This was the first book that made Miko laugh. It’s great for it’s repetition and colors.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar - Another great book that teaches baby about colors. This one is a special one for me because she responded most to this book- laughter, excitement, awe, and of course crying when it was over.
Oh, the Thinks You Can Think! - Who doesn’t love Dr. Seuss? Apparently, babies! While the Seuss library is great for slightly older kids, they are a little long. Miko loves the rhyming, but she just doesn’t have the attention span for true Seuss classics. This book is like micro-Seuss; it retains the sounds and illustrations of a longer Seuss book, but is short enough to keep Miko’s attention the entire book.
Giraffes Can't Dance - If you really want to keep baby interested, then you need to get animated. Just try and read this book without getting excited! It’s silly and easy to get into.
The Pout-Pout Fish - This is another silly book that has an added feature that Miko can’t resists: kisses! Lots and lots of kisses. If there’s one thing Miko likes more than silly voices, it’s books that call for mom and dad to tickle and kiss her.
Tuesday - This book proves that words are not always required for great storytelling. The entire book is told with pictures. That means it’s up to you to point things out to baby and tell them what’s going on in each page.
King Bidgood's in the Bathtub - The illustrations in this book are amazing. We love reading it to Miko before or after her bathtime.
Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus - If you can’t get your silly on with this book, then probably no book will work for you!
Disney Tails We Love Marie - She may not be the most known Disney character, but if you want your baby to love cats, you can’t go wrong with this one!
BabyLit - BabyLit is a series that takes classic books like Pride and Prejudices and turns them into books just for baby; if you want your baby to appreciate the classics later in life, than this is a great introduction.
Where the Wild Things Are- This is Scott's favorite. It's special to see Miko enjoy it just like him.
Miko usually has at least two reading times throughout the day. One in the day, and another at night. Her night books are all about sleep. She, unfortunately, doesn’t see the connection between the books and sleep (yet), but night is usually one of her most fussy times of the day, she rarely naps--she’s tired and cranky and these books help calm her down.
Pajama Time! - Miko hears this book almost every night right before or after we put her in her pajamas.
The Napping House - The most beautifully illustrated goodnight book you’ll probably ever find!
Goodnight Moon - Certainly one of the most soothing books for baby, and a true classic.
The Going-To-Bed Book - Written by the same author as Pajama Time!, this a silly and fun book to read just before bed.
Goodnight, Numbers - Okay, I’ll admit I picked this up because it’s written by Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years! But it’s actually a great book. It encourages you to teach baby about numbers.
Happy Birthday to Scott! What a good dad he is and I'm so grateful our value of reading will hopefully go to Miko! Watch this space for more updates on her books! All links are affiliated, thanks for the support! Matching Where The Wild Things Are shirt and onesie from Out of Print Clothing, Miko's bow from Little Poppy Co.
If you'd like more reading inspo, I love this tag from Anabela. Happy baby reading!
Miko made a new friend recently thanks to Cuddle and Kind! I want Miko to have few toys but the ones she has I want her to grow with and love. Chloe is an heirloom doll- I'll tell her the story of how it's made by hand by a special woman in Peru. I'll tell her a purchase of one doll will be able to help support her but I'll also tell her 1 doll means Cuddle and Kind gives away 10 meals to families in need. They support 49 countries through orphanages, hunger organizations, and they make sure every child is impacted. All of this through ONE doll. (Yes, this is the same outfit for her from a couple posts back because she looks CUTE in it, it's my favorite so far).
Cuddle and Kind offered me a doll for Miko in exchange for a post and social shares. I couldn't be more excited to share this company. One of the Cuddle and Kind dolls was on Miko's baby registry before they contacted me. This was one of the dolls I would hope Miko would grow with. I got the smaller size in Chloe to not overwhelm her, to have someone her small size. She's noticing faces and her memory is getting stronger, I want her to recognize her doll more. She's already spit up on it on accident, thrown it, used it as teether, basically doing what babies do and Chloe has taken it all and still looks great after a good hand wash.
PBS makes the best period-pieces. Downton Abbey was great, but Victoria is even better. Queen Victoria is sassy, strong, and in the first season she grows from a teenager to a woman thrown into royalty. I've watched it twice and just like the big nerd I am, I had to get the companion book. I had fun playing with the ABM PS filters Pearl, High Society, and Puget Sound.
I grew up on PBS, we didn't have cable and I wasn't allowed to watch "regular" TV. PBS helped me polish up my English, gave me a push to read via Reading Rainbow, and loved mornings even more with Sesame Street. The current administration is cutting National Endowment for the Arts and National Endowment for Humanities funding which PBS and NPR fall under the umbrella of. It may be privatized and even though Sesame Street is on HBO, the rest of the network could go south, too. There are so many things to donate to defend, but if your heart is in to defend the NEA and NEH, you can donate here. Or buy merch from your favorite podcast from NPR and PBS show. If you're not able to, even a quick phone call to your reps is important.
Every Friday I have a collection of things I find darling.
+ Have you seen the new items from Society of Motherhood from Fine and Dandy? I love what they stand for- "Ending the judgement, gossip, and mom shaming while promoting the sisterhood of motherhood."
+ The Death to Stock Photo curated list of inspired quotes to get you going.
+ 50 years later, Heinz finally says yes to Don Draper's ketchup pitch (TBH, I think about Mad Men at least once a day).
+ I love poetry but if you're not a poetry person, here are some books to get you started (my personal favorite is Howl).
+ Saturday Night Cry-By. Grief and humor don't go together normally but Kristen's genuine, warm and hilarious writings on losing her dad and her sister are touching. You'll do a laugh-cry for sure.
+ Love the details on this dress for Miko but I don't love the price!
+ Oh Blogging, Where Art Thou? I really loved this post and made me nostalgic for blogging years ago.
+ Loving this dress for spring.
+ Friday night pizza night with AIP-friendly calzones!
Have a great weekend!
If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know I'm a fan of a good novelty cake. Even when I was on Whole30, I had a fun "cake". Scott surprised me this birthday weekend starting off with Milk Bar's Momofuku famous Birthday Cake from Goldbely. We wanted to try some in NYC last time we visited but we were short on time and missed the opportunity. And then Friday afternoon, the UPS man drops off a cake I've been thinking about trying for months. I'm on a AIP diet for most days and this cake was a treat to have. I had a slice, prayed it didn't cause mess up my AI (it didn't!) and shared the rest with friends. According to Milk Bar, this cake is a"vanilla rainbow cake layered with rainbow cake crumbs, topped with vanilla frosting".
I started a series of swaddle posts because when people say “slept like a baby”, I really thought something was wrong with them, because have they met my baby?? Miko doesn’t sleep much. She doesn’t always nap and she was up often feeding or just playing. She’s four months and it took us awhile to find swaddles she loves, and she's so particular. Now that she’s in the beginnings of teething, she’s even more uncomfortable and I’m doing what I can to help the girl out. I’m hoping these posts will help a fussy baby sleep! Every baby is different but little did I know every swaddle is different too!
Miko has always been a wild and independent baby since day one. When she came out of the womb, one of the surgeons was so upset by her screaming, she told me it was the angriest baby she’s ever seen in her career. When they first handed her to me, bundled and swaddled, her stare was intense. She was angry I woke her up and took her out of her warm wet sheltered home and brought her into a sterile cold bright place. A mother knows and I knew. So, we did what we would do to any newborn- we swaddled her and hoped for a pleasant baby. We noticed a pattern right away- she hated the swaddle. Her arms would flail and the familiar arm hitting certain organs made sense from the last weeks she was in utero. We kept trying, but she sometimes wakes up at night angry, and trying to flail her arms again. We remove the swaddle and she’s fine, she’s happy. Well, most of the time.
We've use the Ergobaby Sleep Swaddle since week one, it was the first Ergobaby product I ever tried. It’s been our saving grace for extra sleep at night. I have tried traditional muslin swaddles but this girl needs the extra structure. She will kick and scream her way out of every swaddle and remind us about it all night. This one however, has been the one we keep going back to.
What I liked about it-
+ This is a must for nap fighters and reluctant swaddled babies. I also like The Sleeping Bag Swaddle from Ergo, but this is one piece, which makes it easier for laundry. She tries to get out but is knocked out within a few minutes.
+ I can still change her diaper in it.
+ I never had a chance to try out their previous swaddle, but this claims to be 33% lighter.
+ The velcro isn't cheap. This is one thing I noticed about Ergobaby- they don't hold back on quality and that also includes every seam and even velcro!
+ It comes in neutral colors. It sounds like a silly thing to like but I loved it so much, I couldn't help but wonder if it can be used for the next baby if there is one.
+ Bells and whistles aside, it works. She's knocked out so quick.
What I didn't like-
+ It looks confusing at first. Whatever you do, don't use it on a screaming sleepy newborn for the first time, ha! Once you get the hang of it, which took a couple times to not keep glancing at the instructions, it was so easy. I even ended up swaddling her towels similar to how it folds this after bath time, like picking up a new habit.
I know new moms want the best for their babies and they don't want to spend a lot but this is worth a try to help your babe sleep. I love beautiful swaddles but unfortunately, Miko doesn't. This has been a huge help for us in her sleeping. Get the Infant Swaddle here.
This post is in collaboration with Ergobaby. This swaddle post has been long overdue, it's tough to take photos at night indoors without waking Miko but I caught her at a good time! All honest opinions are my own and there's no monetary influence. Just keepin' real! Other products mentioned are not associated with this blog, I just really love them. Thanks for the support in reading!